I’ve come to the end of my quest. It was me, of course, I was mainly part of everything that had happened. My trust issues due to 1. my fear of abandonment, 2. my insecurity, especially financially because I never wanted to be like most of my own people being criticized and included in the negative stereotypes (especially when it comes to poverty and money), 3. my insecurity feeling like I did not deserve to be fully loved by anyone because I felt like I was not whole yet and because of that, it was okay because I did not have much to give as of the moment anyway. I still had a lot of responsibilities mainly the ones that sometimes suck the life and optimism in me and I did not even have the time to get to know myself better in some aspects. Luckily, I have always have this growth mindset mentality and even though I had to go through the rough times of being lost and insecure in myself, I had my strongest grip on other important aspects of life I give importance to.
Regardless of my issues I stayed true to fairness, honesty and although not so much with my personal integrity, I did not cause intentional harm or pain to anyone. Unconsciously, I was brought up being the caretaker. Thus, I naturally put others needs first before mine. Never mind I suffered because I knew I could endure. Never mind I looked bad or perceived as whatever because I knew my values (although I had to let loose of a few along the way) for as long as it didn’t kill me, it was okay. Never mind my suffering because thankfully there were people kind and understanding enough to help me see the beauty of life despite the bad blood of it all. There were people who truly cared for me. The people who I felt safe and whom I chose to trust with despite me having difficulty in this area. For them, I am already blessed and truly grateful.
Regardless of my issues, most of them I can now pinpoint clearly, I stayed true to what I believe was right, and for this, I should be proud of myself.
I’ve come to the end of this quest is what I said in the beginning and yet I know it’s actually just the beginning. In the meantime, I am happy and grateful of where I have come and what I have achieved for my life so far.
“Do not I mean NOTHING can aggravate, anger or stress me now.”—marymancee ✨ || October 6, 2022
P.S. About the growth mindset. I got reminded of this today by someone I admire and can seem to resonate well with in this area.